We've been blessed with another miracle in our lives, and once again, I am puzzled as to why another lesson in patience was necessary.

Most of our family and close friends are aware of our more-than-two-year-long battle with secondary infertility. After we had Emma, we waited for 14 months before trying to get pregnant again. Just in case some things had changed drastically since Emma's birth, we sought the help of reproductive endocrinologists to diagnose any problems before we went on. Again, other than "the age factor," we were told there was nothing wrong with us. However, to help the process along, when we didn't conceive after three months, we decided to proceed with treatments. In the following 18 months, we endured a dozen cycles of superovulation, more than a half dozen IUIs, two false starts with IVF, 3 months of acupuncture and Chinese medicine before exhaustion and frustration took over my psyche, and I mentally gave up. I stopped remembering to take prenatal medications, and tried not to think about trying to get pregnant (which is an impossibility, by the way!).

In April and May, I was given more disappointing news that prevented us from starting up with IVF again. We were told to wait until things returned to normal. Weeks, then two months went by. Well, nothing really returned to normal. I was exhausted physically, and very grumpy. I said out aloud to Curtis that I was not feeling well, to which he replied, "Maybe you're pregnant." I said, "Oh, please! What makes you think we could get pregnant when all the help we had didn't work?" We both ruled out pregnancy because, well, it didn't happen up to this point with a lot of help. Besides, was I not just in for an ultrasound? Didn't I have blood work completed? Would they not know if I was pregnant? We put the thought aside.

Then two more weeks went by. Once again, Curtis said again, "Maybe you're pregnant. Maybe you should take a pregnancy test." And once again, I shut that idea down.... for about two hours. Then I decided to buy a two-pack and test.

On Tuesday, June 14th, I took a pregnancy test, and wouldn't you know it? It was positive! Not believing it, I decided to take another one the next morning, and it, too, was positive. I then had a blood test. On Thursday, June 16th, the doctor's office called to tell me, "We got your blood test results back. And you are definitely pregnant. And according to the levels, you're pretty far along, so you'd better go see an OB right away, or come into our office for a scan." On Friday morning, I went to have an ultrasound, which indicated that I did, indeed, have a tiny baby growing in my belly! Not being sure when my last cycle was, the ultrasound was used to measure the baby's age and due date. Our second baby is due to arrive on January 24th, 2012!

Baby #2 - June 2011


Clearly, this shows I don't have control over everything. I have spent the past two years struggling with feelings of inadequacy - for not being able to achieve something that other women can, some without even "trying" - even with medical help. I also struggled with feelings of unworthiness, for wanting another baby when back in 2007, I prayed I would never ask for anything more if my Emma would be healthy and strong. After all, I thought back then, it only takes one child to make one a mother, right? And I struggled with faith that God listens to my prayers or even that of my sweet three-year-old who has been praying every day since she could speak, "Bless Emma that she can have a baby brother or sister, and Mommy and Daddy can have another baby in the family." Even though I knew enough in my heart to know that I can't ask for what's not God's will, I wanted what I wanted...last year.

In the end, I was wrong to doubt. Heavenly Father delivered, again, to me who has a rebellious, doubting heart - perhaps only because of the pure faith of my dear husband and daughter - the greatest gift he could give me at this time in my life. Curtis and I are both bursting with excitement, but we decided to wait a little while to make sure everything was okay with the baby before we broke out the great news.

It seems my life is always about patience. I waited to get married. I waited to have Emma. And I waited, and waited, and waited to have this baby, too. I learned in the process the pain of waiting and being disappointed over and over again, but also the joy and miracle that come from exercising faith and (im)patience. I have too many dear friends who are also struggling with infertility. It's not fair. They're all good mothers and deserve a baby of their own, and have made way too many sacrifices for a righteous desire. I pray for each of them every day that they, too, will be blessed with a surprise.

Baby #2 - July 2011